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Save Martha LateNite Joke Hall of Shame

Dear Jay, David, and Conan Letters

LETTERMAN

It was gorgeous here today! Just beautiful. It was so nice that Martha Stewart was doing her insider trading outside.

LENO

"You can see from his picture why Douglas Faneuil cut a deal with the Feds--that's one face you don't want to see in prison! And today on Martha's show, during the pet segment Martha showed how a canary with a broken neck can't sing!"

CONAN

"In New York the other day there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. This is true. Only four people showed up! Yeah, four people showed up and three of them were made out of crepe paper."

Late Night Joke Archive

LETTERMAN

"I'm glad you're all in a good mood today. The stock market has hit a five-year low. (stern voice) Thanks a lot, Martha."

"Today I woke up and turned on Martha Stewart's show and she was showing how to properly thaw Ted Williams' head.'

"By the way, before I came out here, I received a phone call from Martha Stewart and she asked me if I would make an announcement for Martha. And she just wants all of her stockholders to know that those stock certificates can be made into lovely place mats."

"It's like one company after another. We've had Enron, Imclone, Tyco, WorldCom, Martha Stewart. Isn't it ironic? The most honest CEO over the last ten years: John Gotti."

"I'm telling you, I have no luck at all. Here's what I did, and I'm not proud of this. I take all of my money out of Enron -- well, that's good, that's good, but -- but then I put it into K-Mart and I lose huge."

"Martha Stewart is coming out with a book this fall. Oops, I'm dyslexic – she's going to get booked this fall."

It was gorgeous here today! Just beautiful. It was so nice that Martha Stewart was doing her insider trading outside.

LENO

"Six suspected al-Qaeda operatives were arrested in Portland, Oregon yesterday. Even more startling is that all six of them have agreed to testify against Martha Stewart.

"More bad news for Martha Stewart – she was caught on tape beating a black kid with a spatula."

It was so hot today I was sweating like Martha Stewart watching CEO’s get arrested!

Things are not looking good for Martha Stewart. Her stock was down 23 percent yesterday. Wow, that dropped quicker than Dick Cheney after a double-cheeseburger."

"It was so hot today that Martha Stewart had to put sun block on her finger that she gave to congress.

"We must say congratulations to Martha Stewart – last week she unloaded all her US Air stock.

"Today a famous outrageous blonde said she didn’t know why people are laughing at her TV show – but enough about Martha Stewart.

'The "Sopranos" TV show is coming out with their own line of food, it’s going to be pizza and pastas. This means that Tony Soprano will be the biggest criminal with a food line since Martha Stewart."

In New Hampshire public television show host Bill Moyer was arrested for DWI. So Bill Moyer was arrested for DWI, Martha Stewart is accused of insider trading, what’s next – Mr. Rogers arrested for using crack?

"Today I did something different while watching TV. I took two metal bars and put them in front of the TV to see what Martha Stewart will look like in jail"

"Martha Stewart had an interesting show this morning....she showed her viewers how to make bail. Did you see that?"

"The good news is that Martha Stewart has a cell phone – the bad news is that it’s the phone she’ll be using in her cell."

"Martha Stewart got a great tip from her broker today: "Run! Get Out!"

"The noose is really tightening on Martha now. She said it's not a noose, it's a fuschia mock turtle neck!"

"You can see from his picture why Douglas Faneuil cut a deal with the Feds--that's one face you don't want to see in prison! And today on Martha's show, during the pet segment Martha showed how a canary with a broken neck can't sing!"

CONAN

Tom Ridge announced a new color-coded alarm system. ... Green means everything's okay. Red means we're in extreme danger. And champagne-fuschia means we're being attacked by Martha Stewart."

"In New York the other day there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. This is true. Only four people showed up! Yeah, four people showed up and three of them were made out of crepe paper."

NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it "The Road To Extradition." Perhaps "The Silence of The Lamb Chop"? OK, how about "Blazing Salads"?

“In a speech on Wall Street today, President Bush spoke out against corporate irresponsibility and he warned executives not to ‘cook the books.’ After hearing this, Martha Stewart said, ‘actually the correct term is ‘sauté the books’.”

"NBC announced yesterday that they’re planning to make a movie based on the life of Martha Stewart that will cover her recent stock-market scandals. Apparently NBC is going to call the movie The Road to Extradition."

"Yesterday, due to her legal problems, Martha Stewart's company's stock fell to its lowest level since the stock went public. The ironic part is, Stewart's stock is finally cheap enough to be sold at K-Mart."

This is October and Halloween is right around the corner. A story with MSNBC on the hottest selling masks this season says that one of the top sellers this year is the Martha Stewart mask. You’ll be able to spot the kids who are wearing the Martha Stewart masks because they will be throwing eggs benedict at your house.

"More trouble for Martha Stewart. Her assistant accountant has agreed to testify against her. The testimony is expected to be pretty shocking – he's going to say that Martha uses instant gravy.`

Dear Jay, David, and Conan Letters

TO:  Jay, Letterman, Conan

Some of you comedians have said some mean, dispicable, hurtful things about a lovely, hard-working, successful woman,  - Martha Stewart.  Something is terribly wrong with a justice system that would put a man in prison for 5 years for killing someone with a gun, (in our local paper last week) and would put a woman in jail for 30 years for saying, "sell my stock" (if she really did say it!)?   I remember a few years ago that a man got 7 years in prison for cutting a woman's arms off because she resisted rape from him; last I heard, she was living in a car in poverty with her two children and no arms while he was walking around a free man.  You and all the other good old boys out there tried to put Hillary Clinton in jail, and when you couldn't do that, you tried to put her in the kitchen baking cookies.   That didn't work, either!  I hope Martha beats this travesty of justice also.  

I would say it is a witch hunt, but she's no witch, so I'll call it an Angel hunt, by men who can't stand to see a woman in any place but under their domination.  You can stick any of your mean comments about Martha UP YOURS!!!! I hope you will change your strategy from ”Humiliate Martha” to getting the men at the top of these corporations that kept millions while the little guys lost their life savings. Talk to your writers!!

PS:  I would like to thank Jay however, for keeping the memory alive of O.J. killing his wife. Another example of society letting a man off.  I hear women's sentences for killing a man are many times longer than those for a man killing a woman.

Shirley

Sirs:

I know you need current events to make your show, but give Martha a rest.
She has done nothing to you leave her alone. Even though I am a Canadian I feel very strongly about your American icon who has brought a sense of civility and taste into our homes.

I personally think you scoff at Martha because she is a self made woman and you are very afraid of her.

Thank you

Angela Flear
Mississauga, Ontario,
Canada

JAY LENO
I think your show is good. You have talent. However, Martha Stewart deserves respect as a person who has provided a service which helped many people for many years. Your jokes about her are nasty and mean. This woman has done a service which helped many people for many years. They didn't prove anything and the punishment does not fit the crime and you know it. Give her a break or I'll start watching Letterman.

Carrol McDow

Jay Leno
:I won't say "Dear" Jay, because calling you dear would stick in my throat!

This gives me an opportunity to tell you that I have hated your show for years. I got so sick of your X-rated monologes I just quit watching.

The Tonight Show was an national institution that was enjoyed for years all through Steve Allen, Jack Paar and Johnny Carson. They had class, humor and guests fought to appear on it. The only guests you can get now are ones advertising their upcoming movies. Your x-rated humor is disgusting.

If you think telling us how many people masterbate while they are driving is funny, you belong in the red light district. You have totally destroyed this show which has been an institution for years and entertained millions nightly.. It's a crime what you have done to this show. You and your writers are the criminals who belong in jail.

And now you are attacking Martha Stewart. We'll of course you are. You were told to weren't you? She is a classy, intelligent, successful, decent, woman with never a hint of scandal, who has earned every cent she has through hard work. She has not been convicted of anything, but your backers want to make sure she is the sacrifical lamb to detract from the big crooks like Enron, etc. Where is the humor about them?

And I am sick of hearing already about Clinton's Book. Where is all the publicity about the book written by the president's pilot about Clinton. (Sorry, I don't remember the name of the book or the pilot, I just happened to catch it surfing the TV on the 700 Club.) But you and the Clintons are buddies now aren't you. Why doesn't that surprise me? They are just as disgusting and revolting as your show . One reason they are after Martha Stewart is that it is about the last show on TV displaying a woman with some dignity and self respect. Something you lost some time ago.

Marlene Rose

LENO WOULD NOT KNOW WHAT AN OVEN WAS IF YOU TOOK HIM OVER AND STUCK HIS HEAD IN IT AND LIT IT. HE NEEDS TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
LETTERMAN, HE ISN'T BEING CRUDE HE REALLY LIKES MARTHA, I THINK HE IS MAINLY
POKING FUN AT THE IDIOTS THAT ARE DOING THIS AND WASTING TAXPAYERS $$$$$'S.

THEN THERE IS ENRON, WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT INVESTIGATION, WONDER HOW MUCH MONEY WENT UNDER THE TABLE TO TABLE THAT ONE? AND HOW INVOLVED ARE THE PEOPLE THAT ARE DOING THE WITCH HUNTING HERE IN THE ENRON MESS. OOOHHHH I GUESS THAT ISN'T IMPORTANT ANYMORE. THAT WAS ONLY MILLONS OF DOLLARS NOT
$60,000.00, GIVE OR TAKE A FEW.

GET A JOB GUYS, YOU APPARENTLY CAN'T DO THE ONE YOU HAVE NOW. I COULD LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE OFF WHAT YOU PEOPLE MAKE FOR A FEW MONTHS OUT OF THE YR. GET PAID TO SIT UP AT THOSE PODIUM TABLES AND POINT FINGERS.
RETIREMENT FOR YOU ALL JUST WENT UP, FOR WHAT ? YOU ALL ACT RETIRED NOW, YOU ARE ONLY IN SESSION A FEW MONTHS OUT OF THE YR. GO AWAY LEAVE MSO ALONE, SHE IS " A GOOD THING", THANK GOODNESS SHE HASN'T WINKED AT ANY OF YOU, THEN I WOULD REALLY WORRY ABOUT HER.

Barbara

Dear Conan,

Why don't you use your powerful influence to refocus public opinion where it will do some good. The Government is focusing attention on Martha to protect the people who finance thier election campaigns. The media has become a willing accomplice in this miscarriage of justice. You are in a powerful position. Why not use your influence to help refocus public atention to a place where it may serve to possitively influence the future of this country!!!!

Your writers are good enough to direct their jokes at the CEO's not the scapegoats. The public will eventually realize they have been duped. An educated public is hopefully not going to fall for the SCARLET LETTER SCAM.

PLEASE BECOME A POSITIVE INFLUENCE IN THE FUTURE OF THIS WONDERFUL COUNTRY. DON'T CONTINUE TO BE USED TO SPREAD THE HYSTERIA OF THE SALEM WHICH HUNTS. GO AFTER THE REAL CULPRITS.

If these CEO"s go unpunished or recieve the traditional slap on the wrist while Martha and others like her are scapegoated, you will have a part in the continued rape of public trust and retirement accounts.
Hopefully,
Marilyn Cinami


Dear Jay,
Hey, I'm a big fan of yours ! Quit with the nasty Martha Stewart jokes so I can start watching your show again !
You know that for an approximately $60,000 sale, her company has lost somewhere around $200 million ! Isn't that enough for you guys ? Where are the Kozlowski jokes and all the others ? Oh yeah, I heard a few, but they weren't as PERSONAL as those you use about Martha. What, you say ? They don't make for good jokes ? Well, that ought to tell you and your writers something. You worked hard to get where you are today. So did she, and you both deserve your success. And you've endured personal attacks too but not to the degree that Martha has, nor has it cost you what it's cost her. You of all people ought to understand that celebrity brings "attackers" out of the woodwork.

Please Jay, don't be one of them. You're nicer than that ! Leave it to Letterman to be an ass.

Judy Miller
Topeka, Ks
Local station: NBC KTSB


Letterman and Conan,

You two are both vulgar idiots, I stopped watching your shows a long time ago because David is a gap-toothed old fart, way past his usefulness, and Conan is an orange-headed traitor. Martha was on your pathetic show, helped your falling ratings and you turn your back on her when she is in trouble? You are going the way of Letterman. Down the sewer. Adios!

A Fan


Dear Jay,

Your mean-spiritness toward Martha Stewart is outrageous! I ask that you discontiue this behavior!!!

Thank you,

Karn


Dear Editor,

We don't hear Jay or David making jokes about Kenny Boy, now do we? Come on, give Martha a chance...she my well be exonerated of all this ridiculousness, and then, wont you feel badly if you don't...now's your chance....SUPPORT MARTHA!

Jane


Conan,

I think that you should leave Martha alone. After all, she did eat cold Taco Bell and wash it down with a 40, which was one of my favorite memories of your show ever. And what about the Wild Turkey? Give her a break.

Melinda Fernandez


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